Ever wanted to go to India? Imagine the exotic foods you would discover, the music, the little children, the white sands, the delhi-belly slimfast diet. Sigh. *looks out into grey city smog*

But wait, for Karl Lagerfeld has a plan! Karl’s was revealed this week, a lavish collection of bombay dreams. And dreams they were, for Karl revealed he has never actually been to India. Instead, he said (or probably whispered, I like to imagine he always speaks in whispers) “Fantasy is often better than reality. It’s much more inspiring not to go to places than to go.”

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Bonjour and Buonjourno, and welcome back. For weeks now I have been dashing around the most extraordinary fashion weeks, from New York, to London, to Paris and then Milan. I think… I get lost on the order.

Well, I had a smashing time, rubbing elbows with some of the elite in le fashionalisme that , and waving excitedly to others from afar. So now I’m back on home soil, I’ll share a little of my experience with you (give give give, I don’t know) and, as usual, try to bring the heights of the catwalk down to a level that is more accessible to a layman. You, that is.

As I had predicted for years, Autumn/Winter 2011 shows were all about colours, although monochrome is big too. Skirts are making a mahoosive come back, while trousers shouldn’t be packed away any time soon. Flats were dominating the catwalks (ladies, cheer!), and there’s also some effing huge heels knocking about.  The sixties is back with a vengeance, so bring on out your kohl eyeliner, but the fifties housewife thing avec doormat etc is going to be bashing you in the face too.  Wear blue, but also red, horizontal stripes but also vertical ones, slutty dresses but also ankle-length cover-ups and go eastern style with a western twinge. Got it?

Ok so here’s a round up of what I guess I’ll see you adorning yourself with over the next fashion season. Copycats.

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For centuries, people have pondered over the question of what to wear on a plane.

Do you leave in pre-holiday weather attire, and arrive in suffocating heat, feeling like a polar bear would do if sitting on the equator. Or do you go in holiday-anticipation attire, which will leave you shivering in your beach dress as the plane air-con blasts away every memory of warmth? And on the return leg… do you cover up in preparation for the grey of England, or put your limbs on show, to show just how much fun you’ve had via that all important holiday-success by tan-depth equation?

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Two Thread Bears pose for visiting tourists

Here I am in the most undiscovered regions of Thailand, meeting new people and sharing with them my experience of the Western World. And yes, there is much to learn from these people also! Under the watchful eye of my friends the monks, I have undergone a sartorial awakening and have mastered detaching myself from the chaos of daily life to decipher the mystic code of traveller chic.

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I’m going on holiday – yippee! I must find a bikini – yikes! Oh crumble conundrums, is it really that time of year again that women’s magazines flood with recycled articles on how to get a washboard stomach in two weeks, and females across the country spend the night before departure desperately doing some sit-ups and applying body contour creams that claim to moisturize you thin (really? REALLY?) The nineties are over and that means so long to the sarong (which now is for the head: very ethnic-looky), so what’s the alternative to covering up the god-forbidden thighs that have attached themselves to your femurs? Oh wobble towns, oh cover me in sand and seaweed!

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Take a deep breath. It’s ok. AHH. If we take a wee wander into gossip mag world (not too far though – it might infect), we are offered a plethora of bikini case studies to guide our way…

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